Saturday, April 10, 2010

Honest Post.

On Thursday, Jackson and I stayed home from school. He had thrown up MAJORLY on Wednesday night.. all over the living room floor. Poor baby. He suffers from allergies. And he is teething. He was not running a fever, but not knowing for sure the reason he lost his entire stomach, we felt it was best that we did not take the chance and get his friends sick. Although he never got sick again, he woke up at 8 am, went back down at 930 and didnt wake back up until 130. I went in SEVERAL times to make sure he was still breathing. He was.. just sleeping so peacefully.

When Craig got home that afternoon, we were sitting down to dinner and I told him something that I know he was SO ready to hear. Thursday was the first day in about a year that I felt truly happy. Nothing was in the back of my mind that was stressing me out. Nothing in my heart was making me angry. I was just 100% at peace and happy. I am crying as I type this. This past year was SO. hard.

I spent the majority of the year mad at God. I did not understand how He could call us to a new church and not provide closure in our old town. I did not understand how He could so CLEARLY open specific doors that ended up really causing us such pain. I did not understand how He could know the entire story and allow things to happen the way that they did. (I know that you are thinking that He was wanting to teach us a lesson.. I KNOW this.. so I promise you dont need to comment that later. Thanks.)

I spent the majority of the year mad at people who lacked integrity. I can not tell you how many people we dealt with throughout this whole process that would agree to something and totally not follow through. I dont like conflict, but I am not afraid of it. I was raised where if you had a problem, you talked about it. You didnt run from it. You didnt go and pout. You didnt run and slam the door. You talked about it. You fixed it. And if you couldnt fix it, you got to the point where you understood the situation. Well, with Craig being in the position that he is in, we couldnt necessarily talk about the problem. We had to be the bigger person. Well, let me tell you, I got SICK of being the bigger person. I got SICK of being walked on. I didnt want to put people in their place, I just wanted them to know what they were doing to our family. And how their lack of intergrity really stunk.

So bottom line: I spent the majority of the year angry at our entire housing situation. And unfortunately I took my anger out on the person who loves me the MOST on this planet, my husband. It breaks my heart to think about how I responded to the stress our life.

Now do not get me wrong. Jackson brought GREAT joy to my life this past year. GREAT joy! Even though I was a terror to live with, Craig was just what I needed. He is wise and loving and patient. My friends that I have grown up with, just offered prayers and listening ears. Not offering advice (which I GREATLY appreciated). Our family's prayed with us and loved us and SUPPORTED us. And God IS using this situation. And I AM learning.

I dont want to say that I have LEARNED, because it is definitely still a process. I am a worrier. A big worrier. And I know that worrying is a sin. But it is a part of who I am. So it is something that I am constantly having to give over to Him. It is something that I am always going to struggle with. My friend, Emily, did give me some advice (unlike some "advice", I cherished hers). We talked alot about God wanting us to be content in ANY circumstance. ANY. He wanted me to be content with two houses and not knowing how we were going to continue on a youth ministers budget living like that. He wants me to be content being in MAJOR financial debt to our family's because we had to get out from under that house. I dont live my life living in debt.. but due to circumstances (that caused anger described above).. I have no control over it. Be content.

Like I said, I am still processing the lessons. Still applying. Still searching. But I can tell you. I am happy. 100% back to my old self.. and it feels good.

8 comments:

mckenziegordon said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel about knowing God has called you somewhere but you can't see the reason for a specific part of the situation. And I love the part about not need to hear "God is teaching you." I hate those kind of remarks so much sometimes! Sometimes you are just mad. PERIOD! Thanks for the honesty! So glad your house sold. Enjoy freedom!

Caroline said...

SOOOO happy for you! I'm a worrier too, constantly battling with it...

reeseann said...

i love you, fsil.

Sara said...

Well I'm glad to hear that you are feeling happy! I hate it when all you want is to feel happy but there's no possible way to feel it. And hey...check my blog. It's all for you gurl...hahah

Leslie said...

Thanks for bringing the honesty! So happy that you are HAPPY!

KH said...

Hey friend! I am so happy to read your blog post! Thanks for being so honest and sharing with us. I'm so happy to hear about the burden lifted and how it's made you feel! THAT's a blessing! Miss you friend!

Pascha said...

so glad that things are looking UP!

Loving you friend and our incredible Hubbies who love US through our ugliness!

Alena said...

I'm so happy for you!!!